Friday, August 26, 2011

I LOVE MY LIFE! But I have a secret....

Today I'm using my blog as my diary journal! I {as most of you may well know} have been the suffrage of certain retardos the past few years... I've used my heart and my mind as a shield to barricade myself from the doings of others. And when I came across this quote I knew it was time to share a pizza me piece of me as I promised you months ago that I would.

"I'm not exactly where I want to be right now,
but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be."

I wish I could credit the author but I just saw it posted somewhere anonymously. It hit me like a strike of lightening!! I have traveled a long way in the last three TEN years and have only now come into a place in my life that is bright, happy & full of possibilities. I am not weighted or burdened with energy-draining life forces that only see the negative or feed upon the down-trodden. I don't trudge through each day waiting "for things to get better." I don't have to tell myself I'm only doing this until the kids are older. I have instead risen in the cream with those that lift me up and are beautiful, kind, decent and loving individuals that I am lucky enough to spend my precious hours {and the rest of my life} with.

I enjoy everyday feeling blessed and fortunate about the absolute loves of my life. I have three darling children that drive me crazy show me unconditional love and light. My amazing friends that no matter thick or thin they remain true and keep me on a solid foundation of trust, loyalty & a healthy dose of butt-kicking if I need it!! My mom & dad who keep me from going under and push me always in a forward motion with love, time, generosity, understanding and encouragement!! And, my gorgeous, dedicated and dear BF that believes in me, makes me feel strong, gives me butterflies, keeps me sane and reminds me that there will always be those that try to pull down a force to be reckoned with. 

My secret?.... Are you sure you can handle it? Some will try to have me believe it's wrong, dirty, preposterous and will get me Hellfire & Damnation (if they actually went to church or believed in the almighty Lord)... or maybe they just mean it's their own vigilante justice? That it's their job to make me live out some kind of personal hell here on earth and remind me how loathsome of a person I am!!??!!

As ALL of this gets screamed from the mountaintops I analyze the damage it bears to my children. Their poor innocent hearts that carry the weight of this mockery. I make myself remember that as our hearts beat together inside my body {10 & 5 years ago} they will forever beat to the same rhythm no matter who tries to intercede and that I will always be the one to beckon them to safety, love, passion and well-being.

If you knew my secret would it change your opinion of me?  Statistically speaking 65% have failed the first time, 76% failed the second time [and a whopping 87% FAIL the 3rd time]!!  But still I don't know if I should say... maybe I should just end here and keep in my happy thoughts of what a beautiful and significant life I have created... hhhmmm..... 

HAHAHAHA! I'm just kiddin' I'm gonna tell ya!! Because honestly folks IT'S THE BEST DAMN THING DECISION I'VE EVER MADE IN MY WHOLE (ENTIRE) L  I  F  E!!

K so now are you ready? Drum roll, please.....................................

I ended my -miserable- marriage!!!  OOOOHHH MY JELLO! OH NO!! My secret is out! I'm a waste of a life and should not be allowed to move on or be H.A.P.P.Y. or live life or enjoy my kids or eat chocolate or swim in the ocean!!!!!!

Granted this was now almost FOUR YEARS AGO!!! and, OF COURSE, when a marriage dissolves and children are involved it is a lose/lose situation. But what better? Stay as I did for seven hellish years {eehh... I will admit the first year & some change was okay... average, mediocre at best} and chug along dying inside a little each day for seventy more??!?? Stay and let my children see that when you keep in a relationship that hurts you, displeases you, dissatisfies you and all you have left is your daily trip to the grocery store to give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning is enough!!?? Never!

I left a loveless union and blazed a new trail! And when you are leaving the one that didn't make attempts to repair the damage as it was happening it makes it very HARD on them to succumb to the reality of their part in the demise. Once they finally become cognizant they are losing you but there is nothing from that point on that can change that fact...what happens you might ask?  Well, it changes them forever.

And sadly, when they are compelled to move on in 2 week's time quickly they may make rash decisions and find a new mate that is more interested in what they offer than in who they are as a person. They will pour over how wronged they were and the depths of the sorrow will sound so true and compelling. They will have all this evidence of only the one side they are pointing the finger at and forget to recall their wrongs, faults, or {oh my!} THEIR blame. And if they find just the right kind of crazy this new person will take on a role of attack dog. They will fore-go any life of their own they could create in happiness and instead spend their time fixating on ruin, turmoil and a constant reminder that HATE is the only method of transaction.

I could write a book (and I've been offered to partner a blog) but I don't know that I want to spend my time looking back. What started with {voice-activated recorders} in my vehicle, speckled in the story are a vulgarly named BLOG to slander & harass me, daily [voyeuristic] internet searches for anything you can google connected to my name and most recently showing up at my family's front door for no apparent reason other than to deceive the children & point blame instead of accepting responsibility, has now finished sharply and led us to exchanges made at the Sheriff's station.... what once were two people solely interested in the care and keeping of their children has now become some kind of manipulative power play from a person insistent on being Alpha. And sadly the mastermind {birdbrain, blockhead, buffoon, clown, dimwit, dunderhead, ignoramus, lamebrain, moron, dumdum, jerk} to "the plan" isn't even a primary member.  Truly the book could end up in a whole mini-series of offspring stories and the three kinds of crazy I have had to tolerate...but, I've kept a journal so maybe someday I'll publish them as memoirs when the cut isn't so close to the surface. And in 30 years time it might be what my beautiful babies will need to answer the ache of all the wasted time they were led down the wrong path.

I only say ALL of this because I want to be clear to my fan(atic)s that it really does no good other than drive yourself completely insane. All this "laughing" you are doing together really just means you have nothing else to "do together."  It's as transparent as a window and not just to me. Lawyers, mediators, judges, therapists, friends, family, complete strangers... Be mindful of the thin line between Love & Hate then try each day to move toward Apathy. You will find it on the farthest end of the emotional spectrum.

As for me... well... I [at the time of my separation] was exhausted of emotion and found indifference way back then. But what I did succumb to in the past was the need to prove treachery and vengeful behaviors as ignorant and arrogant. I don't feel the need to do that anymore. I have cleared out all the garbage made enough adjustments to be at peace with where things are and I don't regret a single moment, thought, action or decision I have made. I smile everyday. I am proud to be where I am. Mom-At-Home using WIC and wanna-be blogger, photographer, chef & seamstress. I still might just open that "illegal" daycare or maybe I'll just "abuse the system" a little bit longer....

I started It is a research and life study blog designed to allow others to vent their worry, anxiety, frustration & concerns over individuals that choose to invade, stalk, abuse and harass them due to a separation in a relationship, a new mate that is insecure and jealous of their place in the heart of their ex or maybe just envy of a life they wish they had.

This blog is by invitation only. If you would like to join the group you can send your email address HERE.

I appreciate the support I have received in this matter and look forward to helping others.

We may now continue on our merry way with my fun & entertaining posts!! ;)



alohakiefel said...

You are my HERO! I love ya <3 Stay STRONG! xoxo

ShanCossa said...

Nicely done T! I wish they knew how stupid they looked. Like I said, if they didn't have you to antagonize or blog about, they would have nothing in common but the alcohol. It's classicaly shown that they have nothing to talk about while cooking dinner together..... Of course, the cottage-cheese-thighed chic could lay off off a few dinners. But then again, with a nose like that, crunch hair, and frosty blue eye shadow...who needs to have a nice figure. You'll be butt ugly no matter what you do!